one step at a time

I feel sometimes i dont take on enough. Somedays I feel like I need to take on more. Everyday I know I just need to get what's on my plate done. I need to do better in fulfilling my own expectations. I need to let go of others expectations. I think we all get too caught up in times listening to the voices around us. Anyone who says otherwise is detached from the world. People are so much a part of our lives that it becomes hard not to "want" their approval. It's hard not to look for their praise. I think the balance needs to weigh the reality that those that truly care for you will be proud not matter what. Those that know what is in your heart and soul will create expectations for you that mirror your own soul. So that the two expectations meet, requiring only yourself to realize your own soul. It is this path that I am always on. It is balancing my fears of this reality and not living up to my potential. Or rather the potential I think others see in me. (I don't know what I can or cannot do)

I was talking to my professor the other day. And things made a little more sense. The thick haze over where I should see myself began to lift. I see that I don't trust myself in my own life enough. I am too willing to give it to others, than give it to myself. The only time I am actually confident about the things I do and say are in academic environments. Even if I don't know I can always learn. I feel like the grounds are level amongst peers and rarely do I feel judged. Step outside and the world is judgment. It's there that I feel out of place at times. In talking my "throwness" is that I have no origin. I have no origin. This is my path, to find where my home is. To find that place which accepts me. This path will require me to accept me. This path will require me to find peace inside first. It's not until I progress in this way that I will be able to accept that others accept me. So the problem is not you. The problem is me...it always has been, it will continue to be.

I don't know if this makes any coherent sense. Whatever.

something to think about

A friend had once told me "you can either hurt now or you can hurt later..." hmmm how true.