work in progress

This life is a melancholy pill
it tastes of salted tears
of melancholy years
days gone by where no time can heal
an open wound that flows and peels
where outborn cries are swallowed whole
misplaced effort of tireless tolls
where weepy sorrow replaces a weary soul
burdens stack on top ten fold
when lives get lost among the chaos
screaming for help to apathetic ears
waves crash upon rationless fears
hope is clinging for a glimmer
trying to fight the closing dimmer
though faith may be strong
and resolve could be deep
but sometimes your struggling just to stay in beat

Sunday with the family

September 5th brought my cousin Stephanie down from San Francisco to her family here in Los Angeles. What we didn't know was that trip also introduced the newest member to our family as she is with child!!!

gAiJiN iN jApAn

the city is not still at night

the things i've seen

Awake My Soul - Mumford and sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

one step at a time

I feel sometimes i dont take on enough. Somedays I feel like I need to take on more. Everyday I know I just need to get what's on my plate done. I need to do better in fulfilling my own expectations. I need to let go of others expectations. I think we all get too caught up in times listening to the voices around us. Anyone who says otherwise is detached from the world. People are so much a part of our lives that it becomes hard not to "want" their approval. It's hard not to look for their praise. I think the balance needs to weigh the reality that those that truly care for you will be proud not matter what. Those that know what is in your heart and soul will create expectations for you that mirror your own soul. So that the two expectations meet, requiring only yourself to realize your own soul. It is this path that I am always on. It is balancing my fears of this reality and not living up to my potential. Or rather the potential I think others see in me. (I don't know what I can or cannot do)

I was talking to my professor the other day. And things made a little more sense. The thick haze over where I should see myself began to lift. I see that I don't trust myself in my own life enough. I am too willing to give it to others, than give it to myself. The only time I am actually confident about the things I do and say are in academic environments. Even if I don't know I can always learn. I feel like the grounds are level amongst peers and rarely do I feel judged. Step outside and the world is judgment. It's there that I feel out of place at times. In talking my "throwness" is that I have no origin. I have no origin. This is my path, to find where my home is. To find that place which accepts me. This path will require me to accept me. This path will require me to find peace inside first. It's not until I progress in this way that I will be able to accept that others accept me. So the problem is not you. The problem is me...it always has been, it will continue to be.

I don't know if this makes any coherent sense. Whatever.

something to think about

A friend had once told me "you can either hurt now or you can hurt later..." hmmm how true.

from christina's post continued...

i'm stuck with my simple notion
of who you are and who am i
stuck on the shore left with my emotion

bold words sound so hollow
and the empty ones i jump to follow
my perception is too distorted
slow me down or speed me up
who i am is what you've decided

admiration

you want to know who i admire in my life? well regardless i'm going to type it out. i admire my sister. i admire my brother. they have this idea of themselves that seems to me unshakeable. that's not to say they dont have doubts and haven't looked at themselves in the mirror, but to me they both have a quality that say they know where they see themselves in life. my sister wanted to be a teacher since the moment she talked, well since i was in the second grade at least. and that's exactly what she did, became a teacher, a second grade teacher no less. i admired that in her at such a young age she decided for herself where her life was going to go. she questions if this is where she will stay but that is not the point, its that she made a decision and worked till it became her reality. where she goes from here is her decision.

my brother (step if you want the distinction) but he i admire because he says what he thinks/believe/feels. that's not to say it hasn't gotten him in situations we would rather avoid but i would never say that he wasn't true to himself. and he's always accepted the responsibility and consequences for those actions. he too developed an idea of where he wants to see his life and that is what he works on right now. but its that declaration that i will say without a filter, i can't do that. i think too much to not pay attention to the words i say. and the words i dont say.

i admire vision. i admire saying the words i wouldn't. i admire those who aren't like me. yeah, that's who i admire. i think the world of them both. they make me proud anytime i can talk about them, i hope one day i can make them proud. and not because we're family or i'm the older brother. i hope to be able to accomplish and succeed the way i see them in life, i hope i can be bigger than myself for them.

delusions

sometimes i feel that i am the only one, that despite my intentions, despite my love, despite how ever hard i try, it's for not. that in vain arrogance i think that it really means something. that it really says something about me. but maybe it doesn't, really it goes to show the idea that i think that my identity is this constructed thing that defines me. but its not. my identity isn't the things i do. it's not that words i say. it's not how others perceive me. my social identity says nothing about "me." the suffering that i feel, is my own weakness. my weakness being thrown right in my face. and most of the time i don't even see that. most of the time i wallow in this self-righteous pity as if i have any right or reason to feel alone or sad. isolated. bullshit. this whole construction that how others perceive me is nonsense. i wonder in my darkest hours what does it matter. why am i here and what does it matter. i am so screwed up in my head. i have abandonment issues. i have self esteem issues. i see myself alone, alone. sadly continuing on this same path of giving all of me, wanting something back, but ending up empty handed. the fucked up thing is that i realize this dynamic and accept it and repeat it and have made it a part of my identity. (laughing to self quietly) it's sad. but hey that's life, at least for me. that's how i have seen things, that is how others see me. and those optimist out there, maybe it's because i think this way that perpetuates and feeds the cycle. yeah, maybe but in the end we can speculate and hope but no one can say with convincing certainty. and while i don't think isolation is this all defining aspect in life, as i think at my future, the things i want to do, alone may be the best thing. unattached, without regard for what you might leave behind, isn't that what we should want from those who will safeguard us? from our soldiers, from our field agents, from those who will risk a life to protect others? i look back on my time in the Marines and it is then that my life had a purpose i was satisfied with. as sad and depressing as this all might read, that is not my intent. life is for each person something different. purpose takes on a life depending on our choices or lack of. mine has been my indecision, my life is defined by the times i didn't make the impulsive choice, but chose to deliberate and contemplate and analyze instead opting for the most "useful" decision. the decision that tended to yield maximum benefits for others. because when i sleep at night that's all that keeps me going. to think that i might be of some use to another. that my during my life i can be of some small, insignificant utility. and all i will ever know is the sad delusions i will tell myself, that this is so. and maybe that is the most i can hope for.

music soothes the soul

I've been listening to this British artist Hannah Trigwell. I think she's amazing and wanted to share it. Why does music call to our soul? Why can it make a sad day smile? Why can it release the frustration of inadequacy? Why can it soothe?

follow the rabbit... please click

Keep on keep on

i live the struggle, i have no other choice but to live, when the tears stream hardest, i remind myself of the times you held me closest, pain is as much of life as breathing, my breathe has its own secrets its keeping, so i continue to take each step smiling, clinging to hope that someone will be loving...tbd

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Night Terror by Laura Marling

I woke up and he was screaming.
I'd left him dreaming.
I roll over and shake him tightly, and whisper "If they want you, then they're gonna have to fight me,"

Oh, fight me

I woke up on a bench on Sheperd's Bush Green
With a candle at my chest, and a hand on his knee.
I woke up it was dark there was no-one in this park at this time, oh why do I keep finding myself here?

Oh, fight me.

If I look back and he is screaming,
I'd left him dreaming, the dangers fade,
And I rolled back and shake him tightly,
And scream "if they want him, then they're gonna have to fight me!"

Oh, fight me

But if I wake up on a bench on Sheperd's Bush Green
Oh, a candle at my chest, and a hand on his knee.
I'll roll over and hold him tightly, and scream "If you want him, well you're gonna have to fight me!" (Oh, fight me).

Don't fight me.

slow destruction

I trusted you with everything that was me
even when you never fully trusted me
all the while your truth turned into lies
all the while your lies made me cry
i sobbed silent tears, ones no one could see
i cried on the inside let the tears well up in me
at the same time i smiled on the outside
doing my best to grin and bear
even though all my soul wanted to be bare
i gave you naked honesty
but you kept yours clothed instead
souls don't gently weep
some instruments may do
my soul loudly bleeds
from heartache from things you say and do
the death comes inch by inch
caused by heartache and despair

mind's a rambling

Behind the smiles is a mile of pain
hiding the loneliness you slowly gain
quiet screams express the frustration you feel
release the anger you can no longer deal
in each fleeting minute with each passing day
a past remembered, a debt left to pay
memories return and steal away the smiles
left in its place are my violent tears

tired of trying to live of expectations
of those i'll fail to reach
frustrated of my need to try and please
i hope the dark won't come to soon
i need the light to live my life

why can't i accept my faults
why won't you accept them either
why won't you accept my failures
why can't I accept mine either

Purpose

So I was thinking the other day (rarely a good thing), but what is purpose? We talk about it and we put so much stock into it, I was born to do this or that. My purpose in life. What is that supposed to mean? I figure it has a lot to do with a concept rather than anything specific. I think passion plays, or should play, a big part of what your purpose in life becomes. Purpose is this idea that what you want to do in life should be a reflection of the type of person you are. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines purpose as: something set up as an object or end to be attained. Is just getting the job you want your purpose? Can we really believe that to be the end all, defining who you are? I am thinking that purpose is much more vague and defining, that your purpose is to be a leader, your purpose is to create, or your purpose is to make change in the world around you. Jobs will always change, interests vary through the years but if you're a leader does that ever go away? While you may have many interests, what is the root of everything? Maybe that is your purpose.

Rumi "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."

I pose this because I wonder what my purpose is. I don't have necessarily something I want to become. I mean I want to be lots of things. I want to do lots of things. When I was little I wanted to be a lawyer or a judge, well I was told I should so I made that something I wanted to do. I have thought of being a chef. I have thought of going into commercial art. I have thought of being a minister. I think I want to work in government. I think it would be cool to be a traveling food critic. But really I don't care what job I have sometimes, its a job and too often, jobs are just a means to make money so that we can live a different life and pursue our passions. So what then is my purpose? What can I conclude from all my various interests would be my purpose in life?

I struggle with this idea because you hear from people these ideas that they "know" whatever you do you'll be successful. Or that you're going to do well. How do they know? How do I know? If I don't even know in what direction I should take my life in, what is my purpose that I can then draw upon and find solace. Through this dialogue I don't think I have found an idea of purpose that is acceptable. So purpose is a driving force which combines our interests and passions allowing us to find meaning in the things we do on a day to day basis. Your purpose is to create, yours is to lead, yours is to make change, yours is to innovate, yours is to touch lives, yours is to love, ... what is mine.

who are they?

Tiger Woods apologized for this marital infidelities today. WHO FRIGGIN CARES. Why should I care. So what, let him fix his life privately, let him screw up his life privately. He is ONLY a sports player. Since when did we confer this overarching responsibility that they should be moral people and help guide our lives??? That is stupid. To the parents who tell them that this sports player is a role model, you are idiots. To the people who look up to Tiger as if he can tell you something about what a right and moral person is, you are ignorant. He just plays golf, and we pay him millions a year to win. That's it. If anything, all Tiger can tell us is what type of person you need to be in order to win. Michael Jordan had that, CEOs have that, they know that the only way to be at the top is to work and take advantage of the weaker in order to advance. Tiger, what you did was wrong since you decided to marry, you made an obligation and bond with another person and you did not observe that responsibility. But Tiger, that's your problem. It's your problem your life is in emotional shambles. I however don't care about you. Fail. Fail miserably. It makes no difference in my life. You have no bearing in it. It shouldn't have one in yours. Each of us have so many other people in our lives we should look to, not to a stranger that beside publicity, fortune, and fame. Quit being weak and simple minded people. Your life is your own so live it.

lonely heart

here is another really old one. its a little rough (i never edited it)

Times are lonely
Dark and vast
Everytime you try to change
Your mind remembers the past
Like a permanent cast
Annoying and crippling
If you could put a sentence together
Do you even know what to say?
You get up to try
Open your mouth and it just hangs
If ony you did something
But your lonely heart won't let you

Your lonely heart knows nothing more
Knows nothing besides the black
The heart fears the feelings
That arise from the depths
Been covered in night so long
Can't stand basking baring the light
So it seems so unfortunate
Your lonely heart condemns you
Sending you to feel nothing ever

remembrance

another really old one:

there's hope at the end of every day
despite what others may do or say
heartache only last a millisecond
when spread among the sands of time
the loneliness you feel inside
is just you remaining blind
to the One whose always by your side
people come and people go
each of them striving for individual goals
but heart fleet not hold fast and pray
for in every remaining day
there's a time to come and see
the one who believes in me
the road is rough and long
and along the way you may slip and fall
buy stay course and keep your faith
and then maybe you'll meet face to face
and all the pain and fear inside
will melt from your heart and mind
leaving just your soul to seek and find
hope, love, and inner tranquility
from the love that GOD gives to me

thoughts of death

This was an old old old poem. I think I wrote this in 2001. I wonder what was going on at the time?

Empty is my heart, my human heart
Filled with love and compassion,
Overflowing with good intentions
In these it will drown
Never wanting more that to give

Depression slowly consumes the mind
leading to the demise of my drowning heart
seeping ever so subtly into my thoughts.
Slow at first but like a giant wave overtaking me
Overwhelming my every cell
Raging screaming to end this slow death

Death of my being, to save me from this pain
Never realizing the sorrow they feel
like the predator in the dark of night
swiftly killing never flinching
Death are you my only way out?

It has no face, body, or breath
Death could be nothing more than unknown love
not being able to share kisses or hugs
no on to release my inner most
Death do you become more
are you inviting like a good host
Death is just a step away
around the corner in every day

I aint no Alice

Why write a blog? Am I a literary narcissist, keeping my words and displaying them as if they have some profound meaning. Do I seek immortality as a chief aim as Achilles sought in Greek mythology? Do I write because I think my thoughts impart some higher wisdom to others? Maybe I write because I just want to constantly complain about the world around me.

I decided to start a blog with none of the above intentions. I write because words have always been my souls' outlet. I am writing this blog because I hope to leave my family, specifically my younger brothers, words by which they can learn from my insights and experiences. I write because a person very close to me once told me that as open as I might be, there is a part of myself that I shut off from others...maybe even from myself. It is through the writing process that I might reveal what I am hiding away. I hope to learn more about me. I write this for those in my life who wish to know me and my thoughts, through which they can understand what makes me tick.

While sounding cliche, I write this blog to write about life, love, longing, suffering, hope, pain, sadness, anger, and the occasional happiness. I write about the frivolous and the personally meaningful. I write for myself and for those who care to read. But if you read to judge, stop. Stop now, close your browser, do not read my words. I write not to be judged, so don't. I write to set my soul free. Let the adventure begin....