one step at a time

I feel sometimes i dont take on enough. Somedays I feel like I need to take on more. Everyday I know I just need to get what's on my plate done. I need to do better in fulfilling my own expectations. I need to let go of others expectations. I think we all get too caught up in times listening to the voices around us. Anyone who says otherwise is detached from the world. People are so much a part of our lives that it becomes hard not to "want" their approval. It's hard not to look for their praise. I think the balance needs to weigh the reality that those that truly care for you will be proud not matter what. Those that know what is in your heart and soul will create expectations for you that mirror your own soul. So that the two expectations meet, requiring only yourself to realize your own soul. It is this path that I am always on. It is balancing my fears of this reality and not living up to my potential. Or rather the potential I think others see in me. (I don't know what I can or cannot do)

I was talking to my professor the other day. And things made a little more sense. The thick haze over where I should see myself began to lift. I see that I don't trust myself in my own life enough. I am too willing to give it to others, than give it to myself. The only time I am actually confident about the things I do and say are in academic environments. Even if I don't know I can always learn. I feel like the grounds are level amongst peers and rarely do I feel judged. Step outside and the world is judgment. It's there that I feel out of place at times. In talking my "throwness" is that I have no origin. I have no origin. This is my path, to find where my home is. To find that place which accepts me. This path will require me to accept me. This path will require me to find peace inside first. It's not until I progress in this way that I will be able to accept that others accept me. So the problem is not you. The problem is me...it always has been, it will continue to be.

I don't know if this makes any coherent sense. Whatever.

something to think about

A friend had once told me "you can either hurt now or you can hurt later..." hmmm how true.

from christina's post continued...

i'm stuck with my simple notion
of who you are and who am i
stuck on the shore left with my emotion

bold words sound so hollow
and the empty ones i jump to follow
my perception is too distorted
slow me down or speed me up
who i am is what you've decided

admiration

you want to know who i admire in my life? well regardless i'm going to type it out. i admire my sister. i admire my brother. they have this idea of themselves that seems to me unshakeable. that's not to say they dont have doubts and haven't looked at themselves in the mirror, but to me they both have a quality that say they know where they see themselves in life. my sister wanted to be a teacher since the moment she talked, well since i was in the second grade at least. and that's exactly what she did, became a teacher, a second grade teacher no less. i admired that in her at such a young age she decided for herself where her life was going to go. she questions if this is where she will stay but that is not the point, its that she made a decision and worked till it became her reality. where she goes from here is her decision.

my brother (step if you want the distinction) but he i admire because he says what he thinks/believe/feels. that's not to say it hasn't gotten him in situations we would rather avoid but i would never say that he wasn't true to himself. and he's always accepted the responsibility and consequences for those actions. he too developed an idea of where he wants to see his life and that is what he works on right now. but its that declaration that i will say without a filter, i can't do that. i think too much to not pay attention to the words i say. and the words i dont say.

i admire vision. i admire saying the words i wouldn't. i admire those who aren't like me. yeah, that's who i admire. i think the world of them both. they make me proud anytime i can talk about them, i hope one day i can make them proud. and not because we're family or i'm the older brother. i hope to be able to accomplish and succeed the way i see them in life, i hope i can be bigger than myself for them.

delusions

sometimes i feel that i am the only one, that despite my intentions, despite my love, despite how ever hard i try, it's for not. that in vain arrogance i think that it really means something. that it really says something about me. but maybe it doesn't, really it goes to show the idea that i think that my identity is this constructed thing that defines me. but its not. my identity isn't the things i do. it's not that words i say. it's not how others perceive me. my social identity says nothing about "me." the suffering that i feel, is my own weakness. my weakness being thrown right in my face. and most of the time i don't even see that. most of the time i wallow in this self-righteous pity as if i have any right or reason to feel alone or sad. isolated. bullshit. this whole construction that how others perceive me is nonsense. i wonder in my darkest hours what does it matter. why am i here and what does it matter. i am so screwed up in my head. i have abandonment issues. i have self esteem issues. i see myself alone, alone. sadly continuing on this same path of giving all of me, wanting something back, but ending up empty handed. the fucked up thing is that i realize this dynamic and accept it and repeat it and have made it a part of my identity. (laughing to self quietly) it's sad. but hey that's life, at least for me. that's how i have seen things, that is how others see me. and those optimist out there, maybe it's because i think this way that perpetuates and feeds the cycle. yeah, maybe but in the end we can speculate and hope but no one can say with convincing certainty. and while i don't think isolation is this all defining aspect in life, as i think at my future, the things i want to do, alone may be the best thing. unattached, without regard for what you might leave behind, isn't that what we should want from those who will safeguard us? from our soldiers, from our field agents, from those who will risk a life to protect others? i look back on my time in the Marines and it is then that my life had a purpose i was satisfied with. as sad and depressing as this all might read, that is not my intent. life is for each person something different. purpose takes on a life depending on our choices or lack of. mine has been my indecision, my life is defined by the times i didn't make the impulsive choice, but chose to deliberate and contemplate and analyze instead opting for the most "useful" decision. the decision that tended to yield maximum benefits for others. because when i sleep at night that's all that keeps me going. to think that i might be of some use to another. that my during my life i can be of some small, insignificant utility. and all i will ever know is the sad delusions i will tell myself, that this is so. and maybe that is the most i can hope for.

music soothes the soul

I've been listening to this British artist Hannah Trigwell. I think she's amazing and wanted to share it. Why does music call to our soul? Why can it make a sad day smile? Why can it release the frustration of inadequacy? Why can it soothe?

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