the city is not still at night

the things i've seen

Awake My Soul - Mumford and sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

one step at a time

I feel sometimes i dont take on enough. Somedays I feel like I need to take on more. Everyday I know I just need to get what's on my plate done. I need to do better in fulfilling my own expectations. I need to let go of others expectations. I think we all get too caught up in times listening to the voices around us. Anyone who says otherwise is detached from the world. People are so much a part of our lives that it becomes hard not to "want" their approval. It's hard not to look for their praise. I think the balance needs to weigh the reality that those that truly care for you will be proud not matter what. Those that know what is in your heart and soul will create expectations for you that mirror your own soul. So that the two expectations meet, requiring only yourself to realize your own soul. It is this path that I am always on. It is balancing my fears of this reality and not living up to my potential. Or rather the potential I think others see in me. (I don't know what I can or cannot do)

I was talking to my professor the other day. And things made a little more sense. The thick haze over where I should see myself began to lift. I see that I don't trust myself in my own life enough. I am too willing to give it to others, than give it to myself. The only time I am actually confident about the things I do and say are in academic environments. Even if I don't know I can always learn. I feel like the grounds are level amongst peers and rarely do I feel judged. Step outside and the world is judgment. It's there that I feel out of place at times. In talking my "throwness" is that I have no origin. I have no origin. This is my path, to find where my home is. To find that place which accepts me. This path will require me to accept me. This path will require me to find peace inside first. It's not until I progress in this way that I will be able to accept that others accept me. So the problem is not you. The problem is me...it always has been, it will continue to be.

I don't know if this makes any coherent sense. Whatever.

something to think about

A friend had once told me "you can either hurt now or you can hurt later..." hmmm how true.

from christina's post continued...

i'm stuck with my simple notion
of who you are and who am i
stuck on the shore left with my emotion

bold words sound so hollow
and the empty ones i jump to follow
my perception is too distorted
slow me down or speed me up
who i am is what you've decided