Keep on keep on

i live the struggle, i have no other choice but to live, when the tears stream hardest, i remind myself of the times you held me closest, pain is as much of life as breathing, my breathe has its own secrets its keeping, so i continue to take each step smiling, clinging to hope that someone will be loving...tbd

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Night Terror by Laura Marling

I woke up and he was screaming.
I'd left him dreaming.
I roll over and shake him tightly, and whisper "If they want you, then they're gonna have to fight me,"

Oh, fight me

I woke up on a bench on Sheperd's Bush Green
With a candle at my chest, and a hand on his knee.
I woke up it was dark there was no-one in this park at this time, oh why do I keep finding myself here?

Oh, fight me.

If I look back and he is screaming,
I'd left him dreaming, the dangers fade,
And I rolled back and shake him tightly,
And scream "if they want him, then they're gonna have to fight me!"

Oh, fight me

But if I wake up on a bench on Sheperd's Bush Green
Oh, a candle at my chest, and a hand on his knee.
I'll roll over and hold him tightly, and scream "If you want him, well you're gonna have to fight me!" (Oh, fight me).

Don't fight me.

slow destruction

I trusted you with everything that was me
even when you never fully trusted me
all the while your truth turned into lies
all the while your lies made me cry
i sobbed silent tears, ones no one could see
i cried on the inside let the tears well up in me
at the same time i smiled on the outside
doing my best to grin and bear
even though all my soul wanted to be bare
i gave you naked honesty
but you kept yours clothed instead
souls don't gently weep
some instruments may do
my soul loudly bleeds
from heartache from things you say and do
the death comes inch by inch
caused by heartache and despair

mind's a rambling

Behind the smiles is a mile of pain
hiding the loneliness you slowly gain
quiet screams express the frustration you feel
release the anger you can no longer deal
in each fleeting minute with each passing day
a past remembered, a debt left to pay
memories return and steal away the smiles
left in its place are my violent tears

tired of trying to live of expectations
of those i'll fail to reach
frustrated of my need to try and please
i hope the dark won't come to soon
i need the light to live my life

why can't i accept my faults
why won't you accept them either
why won't you accept my failures
why can't I accept mine either

Purpose

So I was thinking the other day (rarely a good thing), but what is purpose? We talk about it and we put so much stock into it, I was born to do this or that. My purpose in life. What is that supposed to mean? I figure it has a lot to do with a concept rather than anything specific. I think passion plays, or should play, a big part of what your purpose in life becomes. Purpose is this idea that what you want to do in life should be a reflection of the type of person you are. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines purpose as: something set up as an object or end to be attained. Is just getting the job you want your purpose? Can we really believe that to be the end all, defining who you are? I am thinking that purpose is much more vague and defining, that your purpose is to be a leader, your purpose is to create, or your purpose is to make change in the world around you. Jobs will always change, interests vary through the years but if you're a leader does that ever go away? While you may have many interests, what is the root of everything? Maybe that is your purpose.

Rumi "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."

I pose this because I wonder what my purpose is. I don't have necessarily something I want to become. I mean I want to be lots of things. I want to do lots of things. When I was little I wanted to be a lawyer or a judge, well I was told I should so I made that something I wanted to do. I have thought of being a chef. I have thought of going into commercial art. I have thought of being a minister. I think I want to work in government. I think it would be cool to be a traveling food critic. But really I don't care what job I have sometimes, its a job and too often, jobs are just a means to make money so that we can live a different life and pursue our passions. So what then is my purpose? What can I conclude from all my various interests would be my purpose in life?

I struggle with this idea because you hear from people these ideas that they "know" whatever you do you'll be successful. Or that you're going to do well. How do they know? How do I know? If I don't even know in what direction I should take my life in, what is my purpose that I can then draw upon and find solace. Through this dialogue I don't think I have found an idea of purpose that is acceptable. So purpose is a driving force which combines our interests and passions allowing us to find meaning in the things we do on a day to day basis. Your purpose is to create, yours is to lead, yours is to make change, yours is to innovate, yours is to touch lives, yours is to love, ... what is mine.

who are they?

Tiger Woods apologized for this marital infidelities today. WHO FRIGGIN CARES. Why should I care. So what, let him fix his life privately, let him screw up his life privately. He is ONLY a sports player. Since when did we confer this overarching responsibility that they should be moral people and help guide our lives??? That is stupid. To the parents who tell them that this sports player is a role model, you are idiots. To the people who look up to Tiger as if he can tell you something about what a right and moral person is, you are ignorant. He just plays golf, and we pay him millions a year to win. That's it. If anything, all Tiger can tell us is what type of person you need to be in order to win. Michael Jordan had that, CEOs have that, they know that the only way to be at the top is to work and take advantage of the weaker in order to advance. Tiger, what you did was wrong since you decided to marry, you made an obligation and bond with another person and you did not observe that responsibility. But Tiger, that's your problem. It's your problem your life is in emotional shambles. I however don't care about you. Fail. Fail miserably. It makes no difference in my life. You have no bearing in it. It shouldn't have one in yours. Each of us have so many other people in our lives we should look to, not to a stranger that beside publicity, fortune, and fame. Quit being weak and simple minded people. Your life is your own so live it.

lonely heart

here is another really old one. its a little rough (i never edited it)

Times are lonely
Dark and vast
Everytime you try to change
Your mind remembers the past
Like a permanent cast
Annoying and crippling
If you could put a sentence together
Do you even know what to say?
You get up to try
Open your mouth and it just hangs
If ony you did something
But your lonely heart won't let you

Your lonely heart knows nothing more
Knows nothing besides the black
The heart fears the feelings
That arise from the depths
Been covered in night so long
Can't stand basking baring the light
So it seems so unfortunate
Your lonely heart condemns you
Sending you to feel nothing ever

remembrance

another really old one:

there's hope at the end of every day
despite what others may do or say
heartache only last a millisecond
when spread among the sands of time
the loneliness you feel inside
is just you remaining blind
to the One whose always by your side
people come and people go
each of them striving for individual goals
but heart fleet not hold fast and pray
for in every remaining day
there's a time to come and see
the one who believes in me
the road is rough and long
and along the way you may slip and fall
buy stay course and keep your faith
and then maybe you'll meet face to face
and all the pain and fear inside
will melt from your heart and mind
leaving just your soul to seek and find
hope, love, and inner tranquility
from the love that GOD gives to me

thoughts of death

This was an old old old poem. I think I wrote this in 2001. I wonder what was going on at the time?

Empty is my heart, my human heart
Filled with love and compassion,
Overflowing with good intentions
In these it will drown
Never wanting more that to give

Depression slowly consumes the mind
leading to the demise of my drowning heart
seeping ever so subtly into my thoughts.
Slow at first but like a giant wave overtaking me
Overwhelming my every cell
Raging screaming to end this slow death

Death of my being, to save me from this pain
Never realizing the sorrow they feel
like the predator in the dark of night
swiftly killing never flinching
Death are you my only way out?

It has no face, body, or breath
Death could be nothing more than unknown love
not being able to share kisses or hugs
no on to release my inner most
Death do you become more
are you inviting like a good host
Death is just a step away
around the corner in every day

I aint no Alice

Why write a blog? Am I a literary narcissist, keeping my words and displaying them as if they have some profound meaning. Do I seek immortality as a chief aim as Achilles sought in Greek mythology? Do I write because I think my thoughts impart some higher wisdom to others? Maybe I write because I just want to constantly complain about the world around me.

I decided to start a blog with none of the above intentions. I write because words have always been my souls' outlet. I am writing this blog because I hope to leave my family, specifically my younger brothers, words by which they can learn from my insights and experiences. I write because a person very close to me once told me that as open as I might be, there is a part of myself that I shut off from others...maybe even from myself. It is through the writing process that I might reveal what I am hiding away. I hope to learn more about me. I write this for those in my life who wish to know me and my thoughts, through which they can understand what makes me tick.

While sounding cliche, I write this blog to write about life, love, longing, suffering, hope, pain, sadness, anger, and the occasional happiness. I write about the frivolous and the personally meaningful. I write for myself and for those who care to read. But if you read to judge, stop. Stop now, close your browser, do not read my words. I write not to be judged, so don't. I write to set my soul free. Let the adventure begin....